Sleep

The other night, as I was falling victim to my kids' illness, my husband and I had a curious conversation that went something like this:

Him: “Why don’t you go to bed?” 

Me:   “It’s only 8:30”.

Him:  “Ya, but you’re sick, you need the sleep.”

Me:  “I know, but it’s only 8:30”.

Him:  “So what? You need the extra rest.”

Me:  “Probably . . . but it’s only 8:30.”

Him:  “Lisa, you’re sick.”

Me:    “I know I am, but it’s still only 8:30.”

No matter what he said, I couldn't bring myself to go to bed.  After all, it was only 8:30 -- who goes to bed at 8:30???  Even when they're sick, who goes to bed at 8:30??

Probably quite a few people do.  But I wasn't about to.

My refusal wasn't because I wasn't tired or because I didn't need the sleep.  In fact, I was completely exhausted, was rather useless in my tired state, and really could have benefited from the extra sleep. Nevertheless, there was something in my brain that resisted going to bed.  

Quite honestly, I have a bit of an issue with the whole "concept" of sleep.  I’m sure that sounds weird to some of you – it completely baffles my husband who ADORES sleeping.  But really, I generally view sleeping as a waste of time.  So much more could be accomplished if I didn’t have to spend SO much of my life in bed.

I think my real issue is that I don’t like that God designed me to need to stop and refuel with sleep.  I actually think it’s so silly that when it gets dark, I have to lay down in bed and close my eyes and slip into a state of unconsciousness for several hours on end. If seems like such an odd need -- especially when compared with the awesome, incredibly-powerful things the human body can do.  Think about it – I don’t even have to charge my cell phone battery every day.  Why should my body -- which is much more sophisticated than a cell phone -- require daily recharging?

This is pure speculation, but I think perhaps one of the very reasons for this need is that it keeps me aware of who I am, or maybe more precisely, who I am not. As it is, I already have far too independent a spirit.  If I were to operate in my full brokenness, I would need nobody and nothing.  I’d be like the two-year old who insists “I can do it myself.”  I would be completely self-sufficient, there'd be nothing I couldn't do, and I would be all I would ever need.

Sleep, however, is one of the things that teaches me that I have limits.  It continually reminds me that I have a very short operational life and need to recharge regularly.  It forces me to accept the fact that while I, as a human, may be a spectacular creation, I won't last for more than a couple days before I will completely fall apart if I don't rest and recharge.  So great is the body's need for sleep that it will shut down and die without it.  To me, that is so bizarre!

Yet, in His grace, I think God knew this would be difficult for some of us, which is why He inspired the psalmist to write: “He MAKES me lie down in green pastures.”  (Psalm 23:2).  “Makes me” because left to my own devices, I wouldn’t choose to do it myself.  "Makes me" because He knows my independent spirit drives me to think I don't need rest.  "Makes me" because I need to know that He is the creator, and I am the creation.  

So I reluctantly submit, every day, kicking and dragging my heels the whole way.  With a stubborn, resistant heart, I force myself to go to bed -- not because I want to, but simply because He "makes me" and ultimately, because I trust Him.

I just wish it wasn't so hard.